How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
