threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here