We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize