Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
