Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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