dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
