1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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