He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
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About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
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Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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