Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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