life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
