I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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