So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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