Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
