Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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