If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
