My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
