the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I checked into jail on foursquare
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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