I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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