Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
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I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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