I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
