Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
