Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
