I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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