I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
