you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
