Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
In America we eat man semen.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
