good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
