i just wanna soil my oats bro
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
