Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
