I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
