i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
