why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
