Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
