I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I smell like Dick and happiness
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