How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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