First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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