I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
