I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
