my phone needs a breathalizer
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
