Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
