mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
