She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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