ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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