As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
