i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
