Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
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