Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
