Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
