Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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