Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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