come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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