for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
