my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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