i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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