I'm so fucking centered right now
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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