My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
