we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
