Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
