so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
