I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
