she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
